Soft Heart, Strong Leader
How to handle rejection, build healthier boundaries, and keep showing up for people at work, at home, and online.
If you are a leader, creator, parent, or pastor… you will be rejected. Employees will quit your team. Friends will unsubscribe. People will leaver your church. Some will decide you are not “their person” anymore.
You cannot control that. What you can control is whether rejection hardens you or shapes you. Soft heart, strong leader is the posture that lets you keep caring, keep including, and keep building good things without getting walked on.
The Unsubscribe That Landed Deeper Than I Expected
A few weeks ago I had someone unsubscribe from Leader Unlock.
Most un-subscriptions do not bother me.
I know this is not for everyone. People are busy. Inboxes are crowded.
But this one landed somewhere deep.
It was a long time friend.
Someone I have mentored.
Someone I helped land new roles.
The kind of person you assume will always be “on your side” in whatever you build.
Seeing their name on the unsubscribe list felt less like a metric
and more like a small, quiet breakup.
No drama.
No explanation.
Just a silent, “This is not for me anymore.”
…you know that feeling?
You pour into people.
You spend hours helping them think, grow, and move forward.
Then one day they leave the team, switch churches, or unsubscribe.
And something in you whispers, “Was I not enough? Did I miss something? Did any of it really matter?”
The Five-Year-Old Who Wanted To Be Friends With Everyone
Years before Leader Unlock existed, I watched a tiny version of this play out with one of my kids.
At five years old, they were a delight to be around... most of the time.
There were moments.
Bad choices. Rough attitudes. Disobedience.
Very normal five-year-old stuff.
But most of the time there was this wide open heart.
They loved people, wanted to include others, wanted to be everyone’s friend.
If someone was hurt, they cared.
If we drove by an accident or saw an ambulance, there would be a quiet, “I hope they are okay.” from the back seat.
Their heart was just ready to love.
As a dad, I felt that protective tension rise in me. I wanted to warn them that not everyone is going to be kind back. Not everyone will be a friend. Not everyone is “friend material.”
If I am honest, I am still not sure they ever fully grasped that idea.
A big part of me is glad they didn’t.
Preschool Politics And Early Rejection
In their first preschool, there was a little girl... let’s call her Suzy.
For whatever reason, Suzy seemed determined not to like my child.
She was unkind, exclusive, and sometimes just plain mean.
My kid would come home from preschool in tears.
“I do not know why Suzy does not like me or want to play with me. I just want to be her friend.”
So we would ask questions.
“What happened?”
“Why do you feel that way?”
And I would hear things Suzy said:
“You cannot play with me.”
“I am not your friend.”
“Your glasses are funny.”
“You cannot be friends with them, they are my friends.”
If you are a parent, you know what happens inside you at that point.
Everything in me wanted to storm that preschool like a linebacker.
The parent part of my brain was saying things like, “You are bigger than her, just push her down.”
Of course, that is not what we did.
Instead, we decided not to spare our child from the reality of unkind people.
We tried to walk them through it.
Teaching Boundaries Without Killing A Soft Heart
We talked about some simple truths:
Not everyone is kind.
Some people will be mean for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Not everyone is “friend material,” and that is okay.
We practiced words they could use:
Saying, “No thank you,” when someone was unkind.
Telling Suzy, “If you talk to me like that again, I am going to tell the teacher.”
Understanding that it is absolutely okay to ask a teacher for help.
They did the best they could as a five-year-old.
Suzy never became their friend.
But here is what amazed me... their heart stayed soft.
They still wanted to include others.
They still wanted to make new friends.
They still wanted to pull other kids into their world.
Soft heart.
Stronger boundaries.
The Leadership Mirror: Where Rejection Makes Us Smaller
Those many years ago when I counselled my five year old it made me realize something uncomfortable about myself.
I had started to believe the “not everyone is friend material” philosophy in a way that had quietly shifted from wisdom into self protection.
It was not just healthy boundaries.
It was fear.
I had already felt the sting of rejection.
Not being liked.
Not being invited.
Not being chosen or included.
Being betrayed by those I had faithfully served.
Somewhere along the way, I hardened my heart to avoid feeling that again.
So I extended myself less.
I quietly avoided people who gave me that “you are not my kind of person” vibe.
I pre-filtered relationships... which means I probably missed some friendships, mentoring moments, and even readers I was actually meant to have.
If you lead teams, pastor, or write online, you might be doing the same thing:
You stop inviting certain voices into the room.
You assume certain people will not get it, so you never send them your work.
You share less of your real self because you are bracing for the next “no.”
Rejection starts to make your world smaller.
Every Team And Community Has A “Suzy”
Every team has a few Suzy’s.
The person who controls the lunch invites.
The one who quietly signals who is “in” and who is “out.”
The high performer who gets away with being rude because their numbers look good.
You can let quiet cruelty and cliques shape your culture.
Or you can decide that basic respect and inclusion are non negotiable, even when people leave.
Healthy culture is not about forcing everyone to be best friends.
It is about creating an environment where no one has to earn the right to be treated like a human.
Soft Heart, Strong Leader
So what does “soft heart, strong leader” actually look like in real life?
A soft heart:
Keeps you curious instead of cynical.
Lets you see potential where others only see problems.
Gives people room to grow instead of locking them into your first impression.
Strong boundaries:
Let you name unkind behavior.
Protect the safety of the team or community.
Help you know when to release someone without bitterness.
Most of us lean one way.
All heart, no boundaries.
Or all boundaries, hardened heart.
The leaders and creators who make the most difference over time are the ones who practice both.
They can say:
“I care about you and I want good for you.”
And also,
“I will not let this behavior define the room.”
“I am open to new people.”
And also,
“I am not chasing every person who walks out.”
A Few Practical Questions For You
Here is where this gets practical.
Take one meeting, one team, or one creative project you are part of and ask:
Where have I pulled back from people because of past rejection, not current reality?
Is there someone I have quietly written off who might deserve a second, healthier chance?
Do I have any Suzys in my world that I am tolerating because they perform well, even though they quietly damage trust?
When someone leaves, unfollows, or unsubscribes, do I harden my heart, or do I let it inform me without defining me?
What would a “soft heart, strong boundary” version of me do differently this week?
You do not have to fix all of this at once.
Pick one relationship, one conversation, or one decision and try leading from that posture there.
You Are Allowed To Keep Showing Up
If you are still reading, there is a good chance this hit a nerve.
Maybe you are a manager who is tired of trying to change team culture.
Maybe you are a parent who has watched your kid come home in tears.
Maybe you are a creator who feels the sting of the unsubscribe more than you want to admit.
Here is what I want you to hear.
You are not weak because rejection hurts.
It means you still care.
You are not foolish for wanting people to belong.
The world has enough cold rooms already.
You are allowed to keep your heart soft and build stronger boundaries at the same time. You are allowed to keep inviting people in, even after some of them walk away.
Soft heart, strong leader is not a personality type.
It is a choice you make, one conversation at a time.
You really can do this.
If This Resonated With You...
If any part of this stirred something in you, I would love to invite you a little deeper into the Leader Unlock community.
Tell me in the comments where this hit home...
a memory of rejection, a “Suzy” you have had to confront, or a moment when an unsubscribe landed deeper than you expected.
Share this with one leader, parent, or creator who might need encouragement to keep their heart soft without losing healthy boundaries.
And if you want more practical stories like this about leadership, team culture, and building something meaningful online, consider subscribing to Leader Unlock. When it is the right time, upgrading to paid helps me keep creating tools and spaces for people who want to lead with clarity, live in rhythm, and leave a legacy that loves people well.
Reminds me of Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Soft heart doesn’t mean weak heart—soft heart means living heart.
Excellent reflection, Chris. It's impossible to lead well when your heart hardens to protect itself from pain. Healthy boundaries aren't walls—they're doorways to more wholesome relationships. Thank you for reminding me that emotional strength begins with well-managed vulnerability.