Today I was reflecting on various relationships that have morphed over time... sometimes in great directions, sometimes in not great directions, and sometimes just in very different directions than I would have ever predicted.
I don’t know about you, but I am so glad that I cannot predict the future because the truth is eventually most relationships change and many times that means they can fade or even end... and if I knew that ahead of time... I may have been tempted to be less than fully invested from the start.
The good news is connections are not fixed, they are ever changing and sometimes they can reemerge years later in a different context.
Take marriages, for example. Most marriage failures do not come from one big explosion. They erode slowly over time through small fractures that creates distance and then the once-strong connection has almost completely evaporated.
That is part of what makes long relationships so complex. The things that damage them are often not dramatic enough to get our attention in the moment.
The opposite is also true. Lasting relationships are built through hundreds and thousands of small choices that reinforce the connection over time.
Building Foundations
This year my wife Christine and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. We have traversed a lot of complexities of life together.
Our marriage is not perfect, because none are… but Christine is my best friend. She is the person I trust the most because she has seen me at my best and my worst and still chooses to stay in the trenches with me.
If you want the short version of what I have learned after 27 years, it is this: lasting relationships are not found. They are built and forged.
They are built through time, pressure, repair, sacrifice, and thousands of quiet choices that build and reinforce the foundation.
The Real Enemy of Relationships
I used to think the threats to relationships were pretty obvious, but I have watched something much less obvious take out friendships, marriages, and even entire faith communities.
The real enemy is often the “self” stuff.
As an example self-protection can feel wise in the moment and even feels justified. But if both people begin protecting themselves from each other, the relationship starts to lose the very thing that made it strong in the first place.
Sometimes someone simply has to go first to reopen the conversation, stop keeping score, and has to decide that repairing the relationship matters more than winning the argument. Humility becomes the key to repair.
That does not mean ignoring legitimate hurt or pretending everything is fine. It means refusing to let self-protection become the permanent posture of the relationship.
The Daily Trenches Matter
Since the day we said “I do,” we have been in the trenches together and have had our fair share highs and lows.
We have lost parents and friends, lost houses, gone through bankruptcy, and walked through two miscarriages.
We have had incredible highs too. We have two amazing daughters, decades of pastoring and helping others, hundreds of memories, and a life built slowly, faithfully, imperfectly, but together and still deeply in love.
Early on, we decided something that sounds simple but is actually extremely difficult: we would never go to bed angry and no one would ever sleep on the couch… ever!
That does not mean every disagreement has always been perfectly resolved before we went to sleep. Some things take time to work through. But we decided early that anger would not become distance or a wedge and we’d always take the time to talk through things.
When we mess up, we do not try to use “sorry” as a shortcut. We say, “Please forgive me.”
There is power in those words because those words require a response. “Sorry” can sometimes become a way to end the conversation. “Please forgive me” acknowledges that something happened between us that needs to be repaired.
That is what forgiveness does. It rebuilds trust, puts weight back into the relationship, and reopens the door.
Everyone eventually disappoints the people closest to them. Everyone says the wrong thing. Everyone gets tired, selfish, distracted, defensive, or frustrated.
The question is not whether there will be fractures.
The question is what you do with them.
Do you repair them while they are still small, or do you keep building around them?
That principle extends far beyond marriage.
Friendships work this way.
Families work this way.
Teams work this way.
Churches work this way.
Unresolved things rarely stay small forever, so deal with them before they become unmanageable.
How to Build Relationships That Last
Relationships rarely become strong because of one grand moment. They are built through thousands of small actions made over time.
Here are 10 tools to help you become a master relationship builder.
1. Stay Curious
2. Keep Short Accounts
3. Stop Keeping Score
4. Go First
5. Choose Humility
6. Ask for Forgiveness
7. Protect Connection
8. Stay in the Trenches
9. Invest in the Little Things
10. Keep Choosing Each Other
If this essay helped you, subscribe to Leader Unlock. I write for people who carry weight in leadership, family, and life and want practical tools rooted in faith, clarity, and quiet strength.
I wanted to let you know that I included your article here in my Weekly Roundup! I hope it blesses you as much as this article blessed me. Here is the link in case you’d like to check it out: https://fiztrainer.substack.com/p/what-stayed-with-me-week-of-september
This was excellent! I love how practical this was. It really is the simple, small things that can break down a marriage and, on the flip side, build up a marriage. 🤗